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Ask Ava

Dear Ava

I’m thinking about growing a beard. It’s coming into winter and it will keep me warm. I don’t want to go the full Ned Kelly, but figure that a new look might make me more attractive to women. Am I right or wrong, Ava?

Brad, Croydon

Dear Baby-cheeks Brad,

I would think long and hard before you threw away the Gillette Mach 3.  While a beard may keep your face warm, it will be marked by the tracks of your tears as women stay away from your face fuzz. Yes, the media has been pushing a story that the size of a bloke’s Abe Lincoln is directly proportional to the strength of his support for the #MeToo movement. And bars across Darlinghurst have more beards per square metre than at an Amish wedding. But women aren’t buying it. Chivalry and chin hair and not the same thing,

Research shows that a clean-shaven man look less angry then his hirsute brother.

Research in fact reveals, that men look angrier with a beard and no one likes an angry man. Psychologist Belinda Craig, from the University of New England, lead a study into the effect of a bushier chin on men communicating their emotions and masculinity, snappily entitled Sexual Selection, Agonistic Signalling, and the Effect of Beards on Recognition of Men’s Anger Displays. And a clean-shaven man look less angry then his hirsute brother.  You can’t let your facial hair do the talking. The last thing you need, Brad when buying a lovely lady a happy hour chardonnay, is to give the impression that no matter what the time, you’re a grumpy man.

Bearded men have more germs in their whiskers than dogs carry in their fur.

And worse, another recent research report shows that bearded men have more germs in their whiskers than dogs carry in their fur. The study found that every sampled beard was crawling with bacteria and nearly half had bugs that were hazardous to human health. Dogs tested were much less hazardous, with much lower levels of microbes on their coats.

So, unless there’s a conspiracy of research investment by razor companies, beards, while not being bad news, are not men’s best friends when it comes to healthy and happy dating options. So, Brad, be warned, growing a grizzly may be a rash decision for both you and for whomever you are kissing.

Love Ava
x

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